I worked in Milan for a couple of years and I have many amazing memories blended with this vibrant, diverse, classy, and flamboyant Italian city.
Milan is the city where I become an adult, where I learned how to live alone, pay my bills, work in a team, talk with my manager, handle the office life, and, most important, how to give feedback.
Exactly, I got the first lesson about feedback in Milan, in front of the white and majestic Dome, while drinking a Spritz Cocktail with my Manager, after a stressful working day.
Having an informal meeting in front of an architectural masterpiece, while drinking a bittersweet drink is just part of the famous Italian Dolce Vita. Trust me, it sounds odd at the beginning but you get used to it quite quickly.
Back in the day, I was the typical fire-hearted 25 years old developer, eager to learn more and more, always be coding, hyper confident about his technical skills, absolutely unaware of the Dunning–Kruger effect and extremely prone to rant.
In particular, that day I really wanted to complain and, even worst, I wanted to complain about a colleague that was recently hired.
I started the conversation very aggressively:
The new developer we hired is not good enough, his code is poorly structured and he doesn't know how to write unit tests.
My manager looked at me while taking a sip of the orange drink. Ready for the second part:
He did a code review and missed very important details that could have been deployed into the production environment.
My manager nodded while lighting up a cigarette, curious about the last part of the story.
I was unstoppable:
This is unacceptable! I really think that code quality should be part of our core culture and I would really like you to address this problem in your next 1:1 with him!
I needed a pause, my mouth was completely dried out.
I swallowed a good sip of the cocktail, while waiting for my manager to agree with me. After all, this behaviour was unacceptable and I was absolutely right.
He looked at me again, put the glass on the table, and, while smiling, he said:
Hey, why don't you have a coffee with the new guy and give him this feedback yourself? I'm not gonna deliver your messages, I'm your manager, not a pigeon.
A good leader can hurt you with a sentence and let you grow out of it. Almost ten years have passed, and I still feel the burn.
Triangular feedback
A triangular feedback is an indirect feedback, delivered through an intermediary. Usually, the intermediary is a person with authority, like a manager.
Most of the time, the triangular feedback is not a feedback but a form of toxic and unfair competition that uses anonymity as a leverage to undermine someone else.
In other words, a triangular feedback is, often, a form of back stabbing.
But let's dive a bit more into this topic using a role play game with three fictional characters: Victoria, Nicholas and and Edward.
Victoria is a manager while Nicholas and Edward are two people reporting to her. In this example, Nicholas gives Edward a negative feedback using Victoria as intermediary. Basically what I did with my manager.
Let's analyse this situation from their points of view.
Edward - the victim
Edward sits in front of his manager, Victoria, for his weekly 1:1. They talk a bit to create the right mood and then she drops a feedback.
I have the feeling that, during the architectural review, last week, you sounded a little bit aggressive while making your point.
This is a valid feedback and Edward leaves the 1:1 with something to think about. After all, communication inside the team is very important for him (and for his manager).
There is something odd though, something that doesn't click. The feedback sounded very vague. What did he say to come across "aggressive" and why this feedback comes only now, after one entire week? This weird feeling doesn't leave his mind.
All of a sudden a bell rings. Victoria was not in that meeting!
She didn't attend the last architectural review.
This is how a triangular feedback sounds when you receive it. You feel confused, betrayed and scared. You loose trust in someone, without knowing who this person is. You feel that you have to change something, without knowing what.
Edward's behaviour changes. He is silent in the meetings now and weights his words carefully, he doesn't want to share his ideas anymore. He doesn't feel safe and his gut (and his reptilian brain) tells him to watch out.
This is the first red flag, the first dysfunction of a team, the absence of trust.
Victoria - the pigeon
Victoria is the homing pigeon here, she elaborates the feedback and delivers it using her own words.
This is not her feedback, that's why it doesn't sound authentic. She doesn't have the full context and that's why she waits too much before delivering this second-hand message.
This is how a triangular feedback looks when you are the pigeon.
Victoria wants to surface a problem and let Edward grow. She wants to help and support the team and doesn't feel comfortable pushing the feedback back.
I have been there, I made the same mistake and I can really tell you that, most of the time, this is a very good example of good intention with bad outcome.
As a manger you want to help, when you see a problem, and you want the communication to flow inside your team.
After all, you are a leader, you are there to solve problems, remove blockers and tear down walls. It is extremely tempting for a manager (especially an inexperienced one) to step-in and take the role of person-in-the-middle.
The problem with a pigeon manager is that they build a team where people avoid conflicts and accountability. A team where people don't work on their communication skills and simply delegate the delivery of a feedback to the manager. This is another very critical dysfunction of a team, the fear of conflict.
As leaders, we have the responsibility to create an environment where open communication and candour is encouraged and rewarded. Negative feedback are the first steps of a bigger growth process, that starts with accepting that we have something to improve.
Nicholas - the author
Yes, it's really easy to see Nicholas as the villain here.
He deliberately avoid talking to Edward and uses Victoria as a delivery person, a homing pigeon.
I think that almost everybody would agree, this is simply wrong.
But Nicholas, why?
There are many reasons why a person could behave like Nicholas. Let's try to cast some light on this apparently shady approach.
Avoid conflict
The first reason is that many people are naturally conflict avoidant. Don't get me wrong, nobody likes to have a hard conversation but for some people this experience is really excruciating and creates a lot of anxiety and distress.
There is a good news though, this is a skill that can be learned and practiced. It takes time and a lot of effort but we can learn to see a conflict as the beginning of an improvement path and not the end of a nice relationship.
My coach gave me a good exercise that can significantly improve your attitude in this situation.
When giving a hard feedback to someone try to imagine yourself crashing a big stone on the head of this person, I know, it's a bit brutal but follow me.
Now, the stone hurts during the impact but it immediately crumbles into a bunch of flowers that create a colorful carpet around the person you are talking to.
The goal of a hard feedback is never to hurt the receiver but rather to enrich this person. The goal is to put them on a carpet of flowers where they can become a better version of themself.
Lack of communication skills
The second reason is that some people simply don't know how to give feedback. They probably tried in the past and got their finger burned coming across too aggressive or ending up hurting the person they were giving the feedback to.
People can learn the art of giving feedback, this is something fixable with the right amount of practice.
A simple advice that I can give is to prepare the conversation and try to pitch this feedback to someone else. Pick your partner, your best friend, your brother or a former colleague and play this simple game.
Once the feedback is delivered, talk to the receiver and try to understand how they would feel and how did you sound.
This technique works even better if the second actor plays an active role and responds in an unpredicted way, to put you in a potentially unexpected situation. This feedback kata is a great exercise to grow a thicker skin and get used to having this kind of conversations.
Do evil
The third reason is that Nicholas might be a jerk who likes to back stab people.
Yes, you got it right. You will find amazing people in the workplace, many of them might become part of your life even outside of the office.
Be prepared though, because you will find people who completely lack integrity and just want to see the world burn.
As always, trust everybody but cut the cards, especially in the workplace.
Exceptions
We saw that giving a triangular feedback is, almost always, a despicable practice. Nevertheless, there are situations where avoiding a direct interaction might be beneficial.
Challenge the power
One of the many duties of a manger is to create an environment where people feel comfortable sharing their ideas, giving feedback and challenging the power.
Unfortunately this is easier said than done. Compromising the relationship with your manager with a negative feedback is extremely easy and this can have huge repercussions on your career, your mental health and, in general, your life.
This is the reason why talking with your manager's manager could be a good approach to handle such delicate situation.
This is even a good practice for a "leader of leaders". It's always advisable to have sporadic 1:1 meetings with people who are reporting to your direct reports, so two levels below you.
Those 1:1 should be focused on understanding the relationship that the person has with their manager and spot eventual hidden messages that could be turned into valuable feedback.
Report an abuse
Unfortunately, harassment and discrimination based on gender, ethnicity, nationality, age, skin color, sexual preference, body type, disability and/or religion are big issues, especially in the tech field. Susan Fowler perfectly describes this problem in her book.
Reporting an abusive, discriminatory or illegal behaviour should not be considered a triangular feedback and HR must be involved whenever an employee needs to surface such issues.
Facilitating those communications should be the responsibility of every company, and an anonymous whistleblowing channel used to report unethical behaviour in a completely confidential way should be provided.
In this case, anonymity is a protection for the victim, that's why it must be guaranteed.
Conclusion
Triangular feedback are, unfortunately, a common practice in the workplace.
Most of the time this communication issue can be fixed and significantly improved with the right coaching and by focusing on creating a strong feedback culture.
Sometimes though, an indirect feedback might be necessary to challenge the power or report an abusive or illegal behaviour.
As managers, we should keep our ears open, since this behaviour might hide a structural problem that could undermine the stability of our team.